My Inner Advisor

In this exercise, adapted from Walser and O’Connell (2021), you’ll learn more about how your mind works and discover more about yourself and how you operate. Let’s begin by imagining your mind as a separate person and a good friend who always advises you. Give your inner advisor a name like Frankie or Kim. As an internal source of vast knowledge and experience, and like any good advisor, they want you to listen, so they want your full attention, especially during critical times.

Of course, you may listen and believe what your inner advisor tells you, especially when their advice is helpful in a situation. For example, how to drive your car safely during a snowstorm. But what happens when they give you advice like, “He’s wrong. He should have acted differently.” Do you listen and believe it? Maybe your inner advisor says, “She should have known better,” or “If I don’t get even, people will run all over me.” What might happen if you were to listen and believe that?

Our inner advisor tells us all sorts of things. But remember, you are your own person. You may listen and believe what your inner advisor says, and you don’t have to. Four categories of advice that can fuel painful situations are rules, judgments, past, and future.

Rules. When you’ve felt painful feelings in situations, what rules did your inner advisor give you about how you, others, or the world should be? How you or others should act, think, or feel in a situation. Words like should, must, ought, have to, or if-then language are signposts for rules that might be governing your behavior. Here are some examples of rules: “If I’m not in control, then people will hurt me,” “People must respect me,” “I shouldn’t feel this way,” or “My kids should do what I tell them.” In the My Inner Advisor Worksheet, write about some of your advisor’s rules in painful situations. There is an example to give you an idea of how to do it.

Judgments. Our inner advisor evaluates people, places, and things, such as whether something is good or bad, right or wrong. Is someone trustworthy? Is this a dangerous or safe place? Some evaluations might be helpful, and others not so useful. What judgments have your inner advisor given that led you to take action? Here are some examples: “He has no respect for me,” “She thinks I’m unimportant,” “He wants to hurt me,” or “He’s pushing me around.” In the My Inner Advisor Worksheet, write about some of your advisor’s judgments in painful situations. There is an example to get you started.

Past. Our inner advisor sometimes goes over, repeatedly, a past hurt, like a mistake, failure, or bad incident that upset us, as though they can figure out a way or make sense of it to change the outcome and advise us on what to do. In other words, our inner advisor sometimes ruminates. In the My Inner Advisor Worksheet, remember a situation that your inner advisor went over again and again. Write a thought it kept going over. The thought can be anything, a judgment about a person or the outcome of the incident. Then answer the questions that follow.

Future. Besides ruminating, our inner advisor sometimes imagines the future so it can help us out. For example, it plans for an important event and gives you tips on what to do. However, suppose the imagined future makes you feel anxious, fearful, or angry. In that case, your inner advisor might suggest ways to act on or move away from those feelings. In the My Inner Advisor Worksheet, there is space for you to write about how your inner advisor imagined something in the future that made you upset and what actually happened.

To summarize this exercise, you’ll probably notice, as many people do, that no matter how often your mind goes over something in the past that upset you, the outcome stays mostly the same. Minds ruminate, and you can observe what they say without getting caught up in the thoughts.

Like many people, you’ll probably notice that your mind imagines future events and outcomes that rarely happen precisely how it predicts them. Even when your inner advisor tells you, “Yeah, but it was pretty close.” Despite how imaginative your inner advisor can be, it doesn’t know the future for sure. Seeing your inner advisor’s constructions of the future for what they are—just constructions—can help you make choices here and now to act guided by your values.

Finally, question your inner advisor’s advice when you’re upset and have an urge to act on or avoid that advice. Ask yourself, “If I let my inner advisor dictate what I do now, how does it move me toward who or what’s important to me?”