Remembering What Matters

Living on the left side of the Crosshairs, staying busy trying to escape the pain that inevitably shows up, you might lose contact with things you value. Perhaps you’re worrying too much about different things. Maybe you’re spending too little time doing things that matter to you. What would you want to be doing if you could go back in time?

A familiar feeling people have when trying to escape pain is that something is missing or they’ve lost purpose or direction in their lives. Values are the directions you want to go in life. They’re like compass headings keeping you on a course toward valued living. Before you begin the following exercise, you may wish to review what values are and aren’t. Here is a link to Review Values.

In a nutshell, values are verbal statements in your head. You choose them. They’re how you want to act all the time and always available to act on right now. Values are what matters most to you. Values aren’t things outside of you or what others want for you. They’re not what you want, get, or complete. And they’re not something to explain or defend. Here are some ways to reconnect with your values and live with more purpose and meaning:

• Ask yourself: “What do I disapprove of? What do I dislike in the actions of others? If I were in their shoes, how would I act differently?” Remembering what you don’t like, such as “I don’t like people being disrespectful,” helps you recognize what you value, such as acting respectfully.
• Ask yourself: “Who do I look up to? Who inspires me? What personal strengths or qualities do they show that I admire?” Role models may be a source of behaviors you come to value, such as interacting lovingly or working effectively.
• If, in the IDEAL world, you were living your life choosing what you want to do and how you want to do it, what would you hear people say about you? How would they describe you? Ask two or three people important to you, such as your son, daughter, or spouse: “How would you describe me to a friend or stranger?” Remember, people come to know what’s important to you by what you do. And people can come to know you differently when you start living your values again. It’s that top-right stuff you do in the Crosshairs, such as taking loved ones out to dinner, playing with your kids, or going to the gym.

Another way to get in touch again with what you care about is to listen to the following podcast based on the My 80th Birthday exercise by Russ Harris (2009).